Dark Shadows (2012) ***

 

Oh dear, mmm…. Where to begin?  Dark Shadows was a good idea for sure, but something seems to have broken in translation to the big screen.

Dark Shadows is the tale of Barnabus Collins – a man cursed to be a vampire by a beautiful but psychotic witch, who takes umbrage to the fact that Barnabus can’t and won’t love her back.

After almost 200 years of imprisonment, Barnabus (Johnny Depp) returns home to his beloved Collinwood to protect (or at least attempt to) what’s left of his family, from the vengeful Eva Green (Casino Royale, The Golden Compass) and help rebuild the family fortune while he’s at it. 

The combination of Tim Burton and Depp usually yields excellent if weird results.  But something seems to have gone awry.  While the cast is excellent (with the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham-Carter, Christopher Lee and Jackie Earle Haley), the film just could not decide whether it wanted to be a comedy or a serious horror flick.

That doesn’t mean there weren’t some fun parts, mostly just sniggering… laugh out louds if you got and appreciated all the clichés.  Nonetheless, the overall feel to it was one of ‘clunki-ness.’  A real shame, as the concept was great.  And a film which starts off with a perfectly placed song (the masterpiece that is Nights in White Satin) of unrequited love really set the mood.  In fact the soundtrack itself was perfect.  Alice Cooper even makes an appearance as himself… which for me was the highlight.

Actually, Michelle Pfeiffer gave a pretty solid performance.  The again, she is Michelle Pfeiffer!  Her interactions with Depp showed a subtle chemistry that was perfect for their characters.  Even though he was the older and more powerful member of the family, her character seemed to exude a power of her own.  It felt like she was his equal and the person who could guide and propel him when he needed it the most. 

Did I mention she looks pretty damn good for someone her age?

What I cannot fathom is why they wasted the talents of Jackie Earle Haley.  The man is comedic gold (see Human Target)!  Obviously Burton was trying to go with the clichéd creepy caretaker vibe in a movie full of clichés, all of which could have been more than the lack lustre puns that they were. Alas, they missed many opportunities. 

And what on Earth was Chloe Moretz doing?!  Her character was just plain annoying… and inappropriate. Even if they did eventually explain her behaviour, it was just ridiculous.  All I wanted to do was smack her.

Little Gulliver McGrath seemed to fair a little better.  I’ll go so far as to say I even liked him.  However, he is yet again another missed opportunity.  As the youngest member of the Collins family and also the most mysterious, his relationship with Barnabus could have done with a lot more development.  They had so much potential in the few scenes they had together. 

Now for Eva Green.  I have to say, she was a perfect witch!  Then again, she’s had a lot of practice (see The Golden Compass, Camelot).  It’s too bad there was no balance in the script.  She and Depp had some great moments, they just didn’t seem to know where to go from there.  Maybe the combination of Burton, Depp and a quite useless Bonham Carter has made this team fall in to a routine of sorts. 

One could say it’s time for Burton to do a film without one or both to reignite the creativity.

In short, just wait for the DVD, or better yet TV.  You’re honestly not missing much.

The Avengers (Avengers Assemble) 2012 ******

I’m resting the urge to do what I did when I saw The Avengers (I refuse to call it Avengers Assemble) which is basically a massive squee i.e. major, major geeking out! And why shouldn’t I?!  The Avengers was a fantastic film and Joss Whedon has proved to be a master yet again.  Though when does he ever disappoint?

As I sit here writing this, I have now seen The Avengers twice, which has only just made me fall in love with it that bit more!

Our heroes are brought together by shady S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) to help save the world from a revenge driven Loki (Tom Hiddleston, last seen falling in to an abyss in Thor) and his new found creepy cohorts.  Fury’s job is to maintain order and keep The Avengers in check (*snorts*). 

The Avengers may be Earth’s mightiest heroes but that doesn’t mean they play well together, as displayed hilariously throughout.  But that’s not the only problem.  Loki’s is well aware of this and that might just be their downfall… and in turn ours. I’m sorry I meant fictional Earth’s (I’m totally not imagining any of this to be real).

I think we are all quite well acquainted with Tony Stark’s Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) now.  After all, he does have two movies to his name and a third on its way!  He’s still his hilariously self-obsessed, sarcastic self and he even gets his own theme!  As I sit here listening to AC/DC’s Shoot to Thrill right now it reminds me that you just know Iron Man is lurking around somewhere when you hear an AC/DC song.  And just in case you forget who he is at any point during the movie – just look at Stark’s Black Sabbath shirt.

So anyway, this time he’s sharing the limelight with a bunch other people and you can imagine how he feels about that - according to S.H.I.E.L.D. he doesn’t play well with others.  And they’re mostly right.  However in a group full of superheroes and heroes, he was bound to find someone to get along with.

Enter Dr Bruce Banner, this time played by Mark Ruffalo (Zodiac, Shutter Island), the genius and quite possibly, the heart of the ensemble… oh and his alter ego is the Hulk (voiced by the first non-animated Hulk, Lou Ferrigno). 

Banner is brought in by Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow – one of the human Avengers.  She’s great at deception, even managing to outwit the trickster Loki himself!  Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye is the other human Avenger.  Handy with a specialised bow and arrow, he needs a movie of his own.

Then there’s Captain America (Chris Evans).  If Banner is the heart of the group, Cap is the conscience.  And he’s quite handy with that ol’ shield of his… and he’s pretty.

And last but not least – Thor (Chris Hemsworth), brother of Loki.  He’s a bit miffed with his brother’s shenanigans.  He’s also not overly fond of Stark.  In fact, there’s a fun scene where the two fight each other… aah little boys.

We also have Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg).  Whilst not an Avenger, he is given just as much importance.  After all, he has been in almost all the individual Avengers flicks.  We get to see a more personal side to him… and discover he is a fanboy!

Each character has something to offer, with great lines to boot.  But it’s the Hulk that steals everything.  He’s big, green, likes to smash things and actually has a fun sense of humour.  I want to hug him.

In my opinion, very few could have handled a film of super stars and made all of them relevant, giving the audience the opportunity to observe the forming of a family.  Albeit a squabbling, bickering family, but then again most families are like that.  If you look back at Whedon’s catalogue, you’ll know family is at the core of nearly everything he does.  Our heroes true values come out during an awesomely epic fight scene (excellently shot), where they show exactly how they work together and that includes the Hulk!

I had the most stupid grin on my face throughout that scene!

Stan Lee even pops up, though at this stage no one should really be surprised.  It’s actually become one of my favourite games… Where’s Stan Lee? To the tune of Where’s Wally?

One could even extend this game to spot the ‘Whedon-verse’ actors.  Too bad Mal from Serenity can never be part of The Avengers universe.  I can just imagine the crazy banter between him and Stark… or even Jane and Thor (Jane from Serenity is not a woman)!

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle a whole year without some form of an Avenger movie (Iron Man 3 is due around mid 2013 and Thor, late 2013).  I’m already going in to withdrawal… so I guess I’ll just have to go see it all over again!

Oh and for the next sequel… could we have Sif? I want to see how she plays with the others!

And if you have also seen it, go see it again.  If you haven’t… what’s wrong with you?!  Chop chop…!  And that’s not just my high level of bias talking, it’s actually a fun movie!

P.S. stay until the end of the credits, there’s a little something to tease you for the next Avengers flick about half way through.  American peeps – stay right until the end, you lot (I’m very jealous right now) are rewarded with a bonus post credits scene.  Boo hiss!