The Expendables 2 (2012)****

I have to say, I was in glorious, cheesetastic 80s action flick heaven whilst watching The Expendables!  The dialogue was cheesy, the actors (mostly) were creaky and there was carnage everywhere!  Those that have seen my previous reviews know how much I love my carnage… there was plenty of gore too and a decapitation or two! Such fun…

You needn’t have seen the first Expendables film to watch this, though it would give a better insight to the characters… Especially Jet Li’s Yin Yang (they all have nick names – mostly).  They seem to have deemed it important to get rid of one the best and most entertaining Expendables to make room for a female one (the biggest mistake in my opinion).  I’ll get to that rant later.

So, this time The Expendables (sans Mickey Rourke), lead by Barney Ross’ Sylvester Stallone  have been sent on a mission by the shady C.I.A. operative Church (Bruce Willis) to retrieve some gadgetry that will lead them to some plutonium or something important like that.  Along the way, one of their very own is murdered by someone played by Jean Claude van Damme… you may have heard of him.  And so kick starts Barney Ross’ (Sylvester Stallone) vengeance.   Aided by our returning Expendables, Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and for a brief period of time Jet Li’s Yin Yang go on the rampage and help out a few villagers while they’re at it. 

They are also joined (or rather forcibly joined) by Maggie’s Nan Yu.  We don’t really know much about why she is so important, nor do we find out.  Thus in my eyes, she’s a total waste of space.  I’d rather they have kept new recruit Liam Hemsworth around longer than they did and popped her off. 

Her acting was terrible, and before you call me a hypocrite, yes so are most of the other cast members… but at least they are entertaining.  Maggie just looked bored and in turn bored me to tears.  And I’m not sexist either (I’m female).  If they wanted some eye-candy, maybe they should have given Charisma Carpenter some more screen time.  And if they were trying not to be sexist, may be they should have gone with former action alums such as Sigourney Weaver or my favourite, Linda Hamilton.  The latter may not be as physically impressive as she was in T2, but she induces a sense of happy nostalgia (see Chuck Season 5).  Or hey, if going for younger females, how about the likes of Michelle Rodriguez, Jaimie Alexander or (bright idea) Gina Carano… she’d be right at home with the other former combat athletes!

Rant over, and so is the plot description.  It’s simplistic, mind-numbing fun. 

The return of shady non-Expendable Trench (Arnold Schwarzenneger) and addition of the mysterious Booker (Chuck Norris) just adds to carnage and fun.  Arnie has some of the best dialogue, combining some of the best lines from movies such as The Terminator, Die Hard and Rambo.  Put him in an action scene with Bruce Willis and Sly and you have some of the best play on classic lines, not to mention… yet more carnage!  And of course lots of stitches from laughter.

Now JCVD, I have to say is such a fantastic villain. He’s a better villain than hero.  He just oozes creepiness and seems to be having so much fun being the bad guy.  I do enjoy it when actors put everything they have in to the role they are playing, which he did.  And he’s in pretty great shape too, along with most of the other oldies.

But the fight scenes I was most impressed with were the ones with Jason Statham and what ever knife he seems to have had at hand.  The man knows how to slice… There was some great choreography right there.  And then there was his fight with Scott Adkins.  The only problem with that was it felt too short.  Scott Adkins is a remarkable martial artist.  He’s also a very cool bad guy.  Though in hindsight, he does seem to be playing Gary Daniels’ role from the first Expendables movie.  But who cares, he looks good and leaves you in awe with his moves. Notable mentions with knife fights also go out to Terry Crews and Randy Couture.

My greatest peeve (no, I will not let it go) was far, far too little of Jet Li.  In fact, he even says (as he’s parachuted away) that if anything happens, the team would just replace him with another minority.  Funny, until you realise they did. The man had some fun dialogues and some brilliant fight choreography not to mention great chemistry with Dolph Lundgren.  Now old Dolph shines in his lunacy here… but both he and Li are best when bouncing off each others lines.  Like a much tamer version of Murdock and B.A. from The A-Team (film and series).  Something they also seem to have referenced in the opening scene… mostly through writing on their armoured vehicles.

I haven’t mentioned too much on the other Expendables, but one can only hope there’s a lot more of the likes of Randy Couture and Terry Crews in the next film.  Both have great comedic timing and delivery, not to mention they can pack one hell of a punch.

What I’d also like to see in the next film is a decent female Expendable…  If they go in that direction.  But with the likes of Nicholas Cage, Harrison Ford and Clint Eastwood being courted who knows if they’ll even bother with a female member.

I for one could care less… as long as there’s more carnage!

So, if you love the cheesy action flicks of old – this is for you.  If want to try it out, go in with no expectations and just go with the flow.  You’ll love it.