Bullet to the Head (2013)****

So, having seen Bullet to the Head, I can now say Sylvester Stallone is king of the action genre.  He blew old Arnie and his Last Stand completely out of the water!

I say he’s king, but I have yet to see Bruce’s latest instalment of Die Hard… I’m still going with Sly is King though.

Sly’s latest action contribution pairs his hitman James Bonomo (Bobo) with naïve, by the book and slightly irritating cop, Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang).  After Bobo and his partner (Jon Seda’s Louis) are set up and Louis is dispatched unceremoniously by Jason Momoa’s Keegan, Bobo and Kwon search for the culprits (off the books of course).

As they climb the hierarchy of criminals, they develop an uneasy but hysterical alliance with old Sly stealing all the best lines… and scenes. Not to mention he looks absolutely fantastic for his age!  And yes, he may be old for all this running around and bad-assery – but he still looks good doing it.  And you don’t really doubt his ability to kick butt, until he goes up against Keegan.  Clearly, there’s no way Stallone could beat the behemoth that is Momoa’s 6’4, solidly built monster.  Something that is highlighted when he picks up Bobo’s daughter (Sarah Shahi) like a rag doll – a subtly funny scene.  But they address that fact, so no need to worry.

Of course with all action flicks, there are downsides.  And this is no exception. 

The biggest issue I have with the action genre is it’s inability to do the female lead any justice.  You can put all the tattoos you like on a woman, but if she doesn’t have the presence – she’s just plain annoying.  Granted there have been far more annoying women who have preceded Shahi, she’s still annoying. This is where Schwarzenneger’s The Last Stand actually wins over Sly’s ‘Bullet’.  Schwarzenneger had Jaimie Alexander – a born action star.  You look at her and you’re immediately reminded of a young hard as nails Linda Hamilton.  In fact, I’d say Alexander is far more capable.  If I were Stallone, I’d try and poach her for the next Expendables flick, or keep her in mind for future action movies.  It’s the one thing Schwarzenneger movies will always beat Stallone films at.  But I digress.

 Another annoying factor is Kwon.  It’s just plain irritating.  This factor could have been slightly remedied if he had been given more action scenes – he’s clearly capable.

But I guess, they wanted him to be the young buck who needs to learn a thing or two from the old ‘bad guy’ who he’s far too obsessed with taking down.  Indeed, I frequently rolled by eyes and groaned out loud at his stupid antics.

Oh… and then there’s the big bad- Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje.  A man who’s presence is clearly wasted (see his performance in Oz).  But he makes up for it with his outrageous creepy bad guy turn.  I can say the same for Christian Slater.  The latter will leave you sniggering incoherently during a particular torture scene.

But Momoa and Stallone were my favourite aspects of the movie.  Stallone has really been showing his genius when it comes to his genre by casting or working with the next best crop of action stars.  Momoa is one of them.  You look at him and you know he’s one person that you do not want to trifle with.  And if you don’t believe me, check out Game of Thrones.

So really, it doesn’t matter what the plot is (even if it is handled well), Bullet to the Head succeeded as soon you heard its name.  The name itself, gives you a clue to the nature and carnage (yay carnage!) to come.  It leaves no prisoners and comes hard and fast with the action, the lines and the old man jokes.

Ted (2012)****

I had a stupid grin on my face throughout the antics of Ted.  It’s a movie aimed at fans of such ‘gems’ as The Hangover and other crudities… and massive 80s nerds (or those that grew up in that era).  The latter applying to people like myself.  With an extra special amount of attention paid to the classic Flash Gordon film (it rules! Who ever says otherwise sucks!), including a special guest appearance by the man himself.

 But I digress.  Ted follows the improbable friendship of John Bennet (Mark Wahlberg) and his Teddy Bear (aptly named Ted) played by Seth MacFarlane (Ace Ventura, Family Guy), who he magically brings to life with a simple wish as an innocent child.

Innocence has no room in this film though.  As young John grows older, so does Ted… into lazy, slobb-ish, Flash Gordon obsessed, stoners.  But don’t jump to conclusions as to who is influencing whom.  While John has a girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis) and a job… Ted is practicing how crude and disgusting he can possibly become.  Except he’s not actually practicing.  Needless, to say Lori tires of John’s unbreakable friendship with Ted and issues an ultimatum.

John, loving both Lori and his best friend, tries to juggle them both.  And it seems to be working… until Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) himself shows up.  Cue heartache, decisions, a ludicrous fight-scene and Ted-kanpping. 

It’s the last activity that brings in the incredibly creepy, yet sweet (I’m probably the only one that found him sweet) Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) and his frighteningly freaky son Robert (Aedin Mincks).  Everything about those two screams ‘run for your lives’. 

Ribisi, for me actually steals the film.  Everyone will disagree with me, but his acting is top notch.  All it takes is one scene for him to make you laugh, creep the living daylights out of you and yet even make you feel sorry for him at the same time.  I was in hysterics through the Tiffany dancing scene.

Even though there is an emphasis on the Flash Gordon film and anything and everything from the 80s (including a cameo from Top Gun’s Tom Skerritt), you’ll still laugh even if you don’t get the references.  Though I would watch Flash Gordon before hand so you (like me) can feel superior when the rest of the audience don’t get the jokes.  Seth MacFarlane’s Ted will have you in stitches regardless, as will the other supporting stars and cameos.  Such cameos include a fun, foul mouthed Norah Jones, Ray Romano (Everybody loves Raymond, Ice Age) and Patrick Stewart’s side-splittingly serious narrations (the man needs no itroductions).  The concluding narration is probably the funniest bit of the movie.

So if you like crude comedies and you’re an 80s geek.  Then you’ll love this.  If you’re neither… there’s always Brave.  Excuse me while I go download the Flash Gordon soundtrack (the movie is already on my iPhone).

The Expendables 2 (2012)****

I have to say, I was in glorious, cheesetastic 80s action flick heaven whilst watching The Expendables!  The dialogue was cheesy, the actors (mostly) were creaky and there was carnage everywhere!  Those that have seen my previous reviews know how much I love my carnage… there was plenty of gore too and a decapitation or two! Such fun…

You needn’t have seen the first Expendables film to watch this, though it would give a better insight to the characters… Especially Jet Li’s Yin Yang (they all have nick names – mostly).  They seem to have deemed it important to get rid of one the best and most entertaining Expendables to make room for a female one (the biggest mistake in my opinion).  I’ll get to that rant later.

So, this time The Expendables (sans Mickey Rourke), lead by Barney Ross’ Sylvester Stallone  have been sent on a mission by the shady C.I.A. operative Church (Bruce Willis) to retrieve some gadgetry that will lead them to some plutonium or something important like that.  Along the way, one of their very own is murdered by someone played by Jean Claude van Damme… you may have heard of him.  And so kick starts Barney Ross’ (Sylvester Stallone) vengeance.   Aided by our returning Expendables, Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and for a brief period of time Jet Li’s Yin Yang go on the rampage and help out a few villagers while they’re at it. 

They are also joined (or rather forcibly joined) by Maggie’s Nan Yu.  We don’t really know much about why she is so important, nor do we find out.  Thus in my eyes, she’s a total waste of space.  I’d rather they have kept new recruit Liam Hemsworth around longer than they did and popped her off. 

Her acting was terrible, and before you call me a hypocrite, yes so are most of the other cast members… but at least they are entertaining.  Maggie just looked bored and in turn bored me to tears.  And I’m not sexist either (I’m female).  If they wanted some eye-candy, maybe they should have given Charisma Carpenter some more screen time.  And if they were trying not to be sexist, may be they should have gone with former action alums such as Sigourney Weaver or my favourite, Linda Hamilton.  The latter may not be as physically impressive as she was in T2, but she induces a sense of happy nostalgia (see Chuck Season 5).  Or hey, if going for younger females, how about the likes of Michelle Rodriguez, Jaimie Alexander or (bright idea) Gina Carano… she’d be right at home with the other former combat athletes!

Rant over, and so is the plot description.  It’s simplistic, mind-numbing fun. 

The return of shady non-Expendable Trench (Arnold Schwarzenneger) and addition of the mysterious Booker (Chuck Norris) just adds to carnage and fun.  Arnie has some of the best dialogue, combining some of the best lines from movies such as The Terminator, Die Hard and Rambo.  Put him in an action scene with Bruce Willis and Sly and you have some of the best play on classic lines, not to mention… yet more carnage!  And of course lots of stitches from laughter.

Now JCVD, I have to say is such a fantastic villain. He’s a better villain than hero.  He just oozes creepiness and seems to be having so much fun being the bad guy.  I do enjoy it when actors put everything they have in to the role they are playing, which he did.  And he’s in pretty great shape too, along with most of the other oldies.

But the fight scenes I was most impressed with were the ones with Jason Statham and what ever knife he seems to have had at hand.  The man knows how to slice… There was some great choreography right there.  And then there was his fight with Scott Adkins.  The only problem with that was it felt too short.  Scott Adkins is a remarkable martial artist.  He’s also a very cool bad guy.  Though in hindsight, he does seem to be playing Gary Daniels’ role from the first Expendables movie.  But who cares, he looks good and leaves you in awe with his moves. Notable mentions with knife fights also go out to Terry Crews and Randy Couture.

My greatest peeve (no, I will not let it go) was far, far too little of Jet Li.  In fact, he even says (as he’s parachuted away) that if anything happens, the team would just replace him with another minority.  Funny, until you realise they did. The man had some fun dialogues and some brilliant fight choreography not to mention great chemistry with Dolph Lundgren.  Now old Dolph shines in his lunacy here… but both he and Li are best when bouncing off each others lines.  Like a much tamer version of Murdock and B.A. from The A-Team (film and series).  Something they also seem to have referenced in the opening scene… mostly through writing on their armoured vehicles.

I haven’t mentioned too much on the other Expendables, but one can only hope there’s a lot more of the likes of Randy Couture and Terry Crews in the next film.  Both have great comedic timing and delivery, not to mention they can pack one hell of a punch.

What I’d also like to see in the next film is a decent female Expendable…  If they go in that direction.  But with the likes of Nicholas Cage, Harrison Ford and Clint Eastwood being courted who knows if they’ll even bother with a female member.

I for one could care less… as long as there’s more carnage!

So, if you love the cheesy action flicks of old – this is for you.  If want to try it out, go in with no expectations and just go with the flow.  You’ll love it.

The Raid (2012) *****

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not keeping up-to-date with my reviews.  Life beckoned...


As for The Raid... Awesomely fantastic, adrenaline filled, simplistic genius are just some of the words that come to mind.  Uncompromising, violent and daring would be some more.  Did I mention genius? 


The plot is simple enough.  Set in Indonesia, a SWAT team are sent into a tenement to take down a sociopathic mobster king and his army of vicious cohorts.  The problem is, they're on their own with 30 floors of uber-violent killers and some of they're leaders have something to hide.


What ensues once they enter the compound is a no-holds barred fight for survival... that is, once we've had the 'oh shit' moment and you'll be muttering this throughout the film, right alongside the SWAT team members themselves.






As they climb the floors to get to their target, played the humorously psychotic Tama (Ray Sahetapy) - SWAT leader Jaka (Joe Taslim) and his men (including hero Rama's Iko Uwais) battle increasingly violent (if not spectacular) criminals.  The film is briliant in showing the team having to deal with a higher class of violent criminal with each floor they climb.  This logic does not apply to the SWAT ranks.





Rama, a rookie so to speak is the best fighter and he astounds you with all he is able to achieve in each fight.  The fight choreography itself is spectacular.






What's great is that the SWAT team has their golden boy... and the bad guys have theirs in Mad Dog (Yayan Ruhian).  He just about manages to upstage Rama with one insanely brilliant fight scene in which he endeavours to prove that, yes he is a brutal killer, but one that prefers to use his fists as opposed to bullets.  He's nothing if not fair.




If you're wondering why I keep mentioning the word 'fight,' it's because that's just what it is... one insane fight for survival.  And don't bother with the good vs. bad mentality.  Throw that out of the window... The winner or loser is not necessarily the smartest or the strongest, or even the just.  You'll just have to see whether our guys make it out alive... or not.  


I can't help thinking how cool it would be to have the likes of Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian were to team up with Cyril Raffaeli and David Belle (of District 13 fame).  The screen would literally explode with awesomeness! Total carnage!


As I sit here writing this, I have learned a sequel is on the way... next year!  And for those of you who don't like subtitles (refrains from judging), Hollywood will provide you with a remake... sneaky snots have decided to steal the effectiveness of the title and renamed this ORIGINAL as The Raid: Redemption, probably in hopes to pass off theirs as the original (coughs).  Sort of like what they're doing to the District 13 remake (gags).


So if you are sensitive about language and violent carnage... or you don't like subtitles (what's wrong with you?!) don't go see this.  If you aren't sensitive... you will not be disappointed!

Dark Shadows (2012) ***

 

Oh dear, mmm…. Where to begin?  Dark Shadows was a good idea for sure, but something seems to have broken in translation to the big screen.

Dark Shadows is the tale of Barnabus Collins – a man cursed to be a vampire by a beautiful but psychotic witch, who takes umbrage to the fact that Barnabus can’t and won’t love her back.

After almost 200 years of imprisonment, Barnabus (Johnny Depp) returns home to his beloved Collinwood to protect (or at least attempt to) what’s left of his family, from the vengeful Eva Green (Casino Royale, The Golden Compass) and help rebuild the family fortune while he’s at it. 

The combination of Tim Burton and Depp usually yields excellent if weird results.  But something seems to have gone awry.  While the cast is excellent (with the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham-Carter, Christopher Lee and Jackie Earle Haley), the film just could not decide whether it wanted to be a comedy or a serious horror flick.

That doesn’t mean there weren’t some fun parts, mostly just sniggering… laugh out louds if you got and appreciated all the clichés.  Nonetheless, the overall feel to it was one of ‘clunki-ness.’  A real shame, as the concept was great.  And a film which starts off with a perfectly placed song (the masterpiece that is Nights in White Satin) of unrequited love really set the mood.  In fact the soundtrack itself was perfect.  Alice Cooper even makes an appearance as himself… which for me was the highlight.

Actually, Michelle Pfeiffer gave a pretty solid performance.  The again, she is Michelle Pfeiffer!  Her interactions with Depp showed a subtle chemistry that was perfect for their characters.  Even though he was the older and more powerful member of the family, her character seemed to exude a power of her own.  It felt like she was his equal and the person who could guide and propel him when he needed it the most. 

Did I mention she looks pretty damn good for someone her age?

What I cannot fathom is why they wasted the talents of Jackie Earle Haley.  The man is comedic gold (see Human Target)!  Obviously Burton was trying to go with the clichéd creepy caretaker vibe in a movie full of clichés, all of which could have been more than the lack lustre puns that they were. Alas, they missed many opportunities. 

And what on Earth was Chloe Moretz doing?!  Her character was just plain annoying… and inappropriate. Even if they did eventually explain her behaviour, it was just ridiculous.  All I wanted to do was smack her.

Little Gulliver McGrath seemed to fair a little better.  I’ll go so far as to say I even liked him.  However, he is yet again another missed opportunity.  As the youngest member of the Collins family and also the most mysterious, his relationship with Barnabus could have done with a lot more development.  They had so much potential in the few scenes they had together. 

Now for Eva Green.  I have to say, she was a perfect witch!  Then again, she’s had a lot of practice (see The Golden Compass, Camelot).  It’s too bad there was no balance in the script.  She and Depp had some great moments, they just didn’t seem to know where to go from there.  Maybe the combination of Burton, Depp and a quite useless Bonham Carter has made this team fall in to a routine of sorts. 

One could say it’s time for Burton to do a film without one or both to reignite the creativity.

In short, just wait for the DVD, or better yet TV.  You’re honestly not missing much.

The Avengers (Avengers Assemble) 2012 ******

I’m resting the urge to do what I did when I saw The Avengers (I refuse to call it Avengers Assemble) which is basically a massive squee i.e. major, major geeking out! And why shouldn’t I?!  The Avengers was a fantastic film and Joss Whedon has proved to be a master yet again.  Though when does he ever disappoint?

As I sit here writing this, I have now seen The Avengers twice, which has only just made me fall in love with it that bit more!

Our heroes are brought together by shady S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) to help save the world from a revenge driven Loki (Tom Hiddleston, last seen falling in to an abyss in Thor) and his new found creepy cohorts.  Fury’s job is to maintain order and keep The Avengers in check (*snorts*). 

The Avengers may be Earth’s mightiest heroes but that doesn’t mean they play well together, as displayed hilariously throughout.  But that’s not the only problem.  Loki’s is well aware of this and that might just be their downfall… and in turn ours. I’m sorry I meant fictional Earth’s (I’m totally not imagining any of this to be real).

I think we are all quite well acquainted with Tony Stark’s Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) now.  After all, he does have two movies to his name and a third on its way!  He’s still his hilariously self-obsessed, sarcastic self and he even gets his own theme!  As I sit here listening to AC/DC’s Shoot to Thrill right now it reminds me that you just know Iron Man is lurking around somewhere when you hear an AC/DC song.  And just in case you forget who he is at any point during the movie – just look at Stark’s Black Sabbath shirt.

So anyway, this time he’s sharing the limelight with a bunch other people and you can imagine how he feels about that - according to S.H.I.E.L.D. he doesn’t play well with others.  And they’re mostly right.  However in a group full of superheroes and heroes, he was bound to find someone to get along with.

Enter Dr Bruce Banner, this time played by Mark Ruffalo (Zodiac, Shutter Island), the genius and quite possibly, the heart of the ensemble… oh and his alter ego is the Hulk (voiced by the first non-animated Hulk, Lou Ferrigno). 

Banner is brought in by Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow – one of the human Avengers.  She’s great at deception, even managing to outwit the trickster Loki himself!  Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye is the other human Avenger.  Handy with a specialised bow and arrow, he needs a movie of his own.

Then there’s Captain America (Chris Evans).  If Banner is the heart of the group, Cap is the conscience.  And he’s quite handy with that ol’ shield of his… and he’s pretty.

And last but not least – Thor (Chris Hemsworth), brother of Loki.  He’s a bit miffed with his brother’s shenanigans.  He’s also not overly fond of Stark.  In fact, there’s a fun scene where the two fight each other… aah little boys.

We also have Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg).  Whilst not an Avenger, he is given just as much importance.  After all, he has been in almost all the individual Avengers flicks.  We get to see a more personal side to him… and discover he is a fanboy!

Each character has something to offer, with great lines to boot.  But it’s the Hulk that steals everything.  He’s big, green, likes to smash things and actually has a fun sense of humour.  I want to hug him.

In my opinion, very few could have handled a film of super stars and made all of them relevant, giving the audience the opportunity to observe the forming of a family.  Albeit a squabbling, bickering family, but then again most families are like that.  If you look back at Whedon’s catalogue, you’ll know family is at the core of nearly everything he does.  Our heroes true values come out during an awesomely epic fight scene (excellently shot), where they show exactly how they work together and that includes the Hulk!

I had the most stupid grin on my face throughout that scene!

Stan Lee even pops up, though at this stage no one should really be surprised.  It’s actually become one of my favourite games… Where’s Stan Lee? To the tune of Where’s Wally?

One could even extend this game to spot the ‘Whedon-verse’ actors.  Too bad Mal from Serenity can never be part of The Avengers universe.  I can just imagine the crazy banter between him and Stark… or even Jane and Thor (Jane from Serenity is not a woman)!

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle a whole year without some form of an Avenger movie (Iron Man 3 is due around mid 2013 and Thor, late 2013).  I’m already going in to withdrawal… so I guess I’ll just have to go see it all over again!

Oh and for the next sequel… could we have Sif? I want to see how she plays with the others!

And if you have also seen it, go see it again.  If you haven’t… what’s wrong with you?!  Chop chop…!  And that’s not just my high level of bias talking, it’s actually a fun movie!

P.S. stay until the end of the credits, there’s a little something to tease you for the next Avengers flick about half way through.  American peeps – stay right until the end, you lot (I’m very jealous right now) are rewarded with a bonus post credits scene.  Boo hiss!

The Cabin in the Woods (2012) ****

                             

I’m not sure how to write this without giving anything away.  Apparently, a lot of people have said this and they’re right.

What I can say is that this is Joss Whedon (Buffy, Firefly) at his true Whedon-y self here.  Fellow fans should know what I’m speaking of – dark, twisted and very funny… in a slightly demented way.

I’ll give you the skeletal gist of it.  Five young pretty things – Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Jesse Williams (Grey’s Anatomy), Fran Kranz (Dollhouse), Kristen Connolly and Anna Hutchinson – decide to head up to a cabin in the woods for a little fun and get a lot more than what they bargained for!  And not in a fun way, well not for them anyway.  And that’s all I can say.

Ok, I could throw in the shadowy government types (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford to name a few), lurking beneath said Cabin.  They happen to provide quite a bit of the fun as you try desperately not to like them (they are shadowy after all)!

And that’s all I can say plot-wise.  You’ll have to watch to see how it all fits in together.

Joss Whedon is a true master.  This film mocks every genre you can think of, and possibly more! No it’s not some grossly, cheesy Scary Movie type.  You could say it’s a whole new genre.  You can see all the nods from The Ring, to Hellraiser, to Stephen King’s It, to Big Brother.  Yes, reality is given a healthy dose of creepiness, as if it wasn’t creepy enough.  But essentially, it still maintains it's horror pedigree.

All of this leads to a completely ridiculous and insane – but totally relevant penultimate climax, where I sat there momentarily stunned thinking ‘oh crap’ followed swiftly by ‘what the hell?!’ followed by hysterical laughter. I can honestly say I will never look at a unicorn the same way ever again… ever.

For Serenity fans, think the Reavers scene when they come out of the clouds… now think of it on Crack.

I guess Whedon planned it this way.  His films traditionally start out quite normally, and you just snigger along.  Then there’s some form of adventure, followed some battle, followed by an intimate face-off.  What he’s done here, is not only make fun of every film out there, but also poked fun at himself.  The climax says it all… there’s even a fun cameo in there – Horror royalty if you will.

With all the Whedon flicks coming out hard and fast and with great reviews, might there be hope for another Serenity instalment?

Anyway, I digress.  Cabin in the Woods is a must for horror fans and especially Whedon fans (you’ll see quite a few Whedon alums in there).  For any one else, it’s a 50-50 chance of whether you like it or hate it.  It all depends on whether you understand and appreciate his darkly, twisted humour.